Great Expectations

Time off from the crash course on divorce to take a field trip to expectation land. What to expect when you're expecting a divorce.

Many people have bizarre and unreasonable expectations of their lawyer. Forget what you've seen on TV. A good family lawyer knows the law, has good organizational skills and has good writing skills. In general, they are boring and businesslike. Family law is not dramatic, your lawyer is not going to pull a surprise witness out of the audience and yell "AHA!" There are no juries in family law and a melodramatic lawyer is more likely to tick off the judge than help your case. You will obtain a far better divorce from a dull nerdy lawyer who presents the facts and the law coherently to the judge than you will with the lawyer who puts on a show for the judge that has no legal meat to it. On many many occasions I have argued motions in which I say hardly anything. My clients accuse me of being too passive or not bringing up this or that until the judge's order comes back in their favor. Understand that it is the substance of your case that will get you the results you want, not your lawyer's theatrical abilities.

Your lawyer is not your therapist. I am one of the few lawyers around that will listen sympathetically and at length to your horror stories, but I have an extensive professional background in that area. Even so, I will direct you back to the business at hand. I do feel that people need to get out some of these feelings but keep in mind that your lawyer will not be able to provide you with therapy and will be charging you far more by the hour than a therapist would to listen to your stories. Do not expect your lawyer, or the judge, to be outraged by your matrimonial horrors. For every story you can tell me, I can tell you 10 worse. We've heard it all and are pretty hard to shock.

Your lawyer has no police powers nor any magical powers. If your spouse denies you visitation I can not magically make them hand the kids over, nor can I make the police do it. I can not storm the bank to demand your half of the tax refund check which your spouse has deposited into their own account. There are legal ways to handle these problems but they take time and paperwork. Again, boring drudge work. Do not expect your lawyer to immediately fix every problem or crisis that occurs.

Know from the start that your divorce is going to take time and money. The length of time and the amount of money your divorce will cost are in direct proportion to the level of hostilities. The more hostile the divorce the longer and more expensive it's going to be. If you and your spouse are going to be fighting over custody and visitation expect to spend thousands on an expert. House and pension appraisals are hundreds of dollars. Don't get me wrong, sometimes this is all a necessary evil, just be prepared for it. Don't tell me after refusing to settle a custody issue that you have no money for an expert because if you don't, stick a fork in you, you're done. Also, divorces take time, a contested divorce will usually take from 6 months to a year. Despite your impatience, there is absolutely no way for your lawyer to speed this up. Expect and be prepared to weigh the financial and emotional costs of fighting. Is it really worth spending $500 in lawyer fees so that you get the crock pot? Is it worth all the emotional anguish to insure that your spouse will bring the kids back at 7:30 and not 8:00? Believe me, the supposed principles that you are clinging to so feverishly are going to look pretty silly a year later.

Expect to lose all privacy. Due to the nature of divorce the disclosure between the parties is extensive and often private. Unless there is a really good reason to withhold the information, your spouse is entitled to know most, if not all, of your financial and personal information. I routinely get people who don't want to cough up information because "it's none of their business." I have news for you, it is their business and if you don't hand it over voluntarily, the judge will make you hand it over. Furthermore, if you hide information and it is discovered later, you are in for a very good spanking from the court not to mention your credibility is now shot.

Expect the court to make decisions based on the facts and the law, period. You will not get a sympathy judgment. Your idea of fair is probably not even close to what the law actually is. The judge will not punish your spouse for being a jerk. The judge can not make your spouse be a good person or parent. The judge can order your spouse to stop telling the kids about the divorce but if your spouse ignores this there is no magical way to enforce the order without a motion and even then, it may be impossible to stop. If your spouse refuses to comply with an order it is not your lawyer's nor the judge's fault. When the judge divides the stocks that you and your spouse have purchased and you each get half, don't be surprised that just because you were the one who picked the stocks doesn't mean that you get them all. Don't expect the judge to scold your spouse for all the mean things they did to you during the marriage, ain't gonna happen. The judge's role is to listen to your case, examine the documents and make decisions based on the facts of your case, statutes, rules of court and case law. The law is not fair, it's the law.

As a lawyer I have some expectations for you. I expect you to be honest and open with me. I need all the available information to do my job. I expect you to listen to my advice, if your friend Manny the bartender has better advice, hire him. I don't always expect you to agree or even follow my advice, but at least weigh it seriously and discuss it with me. Do not compare your case to other people's divorces. I get tired of explaining that you get $50 a week support because you have 1 child and your spouse is a Walmart greeter and your friend gets $1000 a week because they have 5 kids and their spouse is a brain surgeon. Every case is different.

Have realistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations will only make an already difficult situation even worse. If you need a crazy, dramatic divorce fix, rent the War of the Roses.

Kicking Off Your Divorce

Lesson 2 on the ABC's of Divorce in New Jersey.

You've decided that the thought of dating people with more baggage than you is a better life than staying married, you want a divorce. You've hired yourself a lawyer and you're ready to go.
Your lawyer will start with information gathering. Most of the info is financial. Assets, debts, budgets, income, insurance, investments, etc. Basically everything you have amassed and are now going to share with your undeserving spouse. Be ready for this. Before you see your lawyer, gather all this stuff together and take it with you.

Some of the info is personal, date of marriage, kids, reason for divorce. Also have this ready.
When you see your lawyer, try to stick to the facts. Your lawyer will charge you a hefty amount to sit and listen to what a low-life your spouse is but it won't help your case for the most part. If you really need to blow off steam and trash your spouse, I suggest you grab your best friend and buy them drinks all night for the privilege of being an amateur therapist. Plus they already know the situation and will agree with you.

The first step in the divorce is the filing of a Complaint. Filing fees are $250 unless you have kids, then it's $275 because you get to pay for the parenting class. The complaint sets out all the basic facts including the grounds for your divorce. There are numerous grounds under which you can file and you can file multiple grounds if you're really pissed off. Except when custody is an issue, the grounds don't matter. No-fault means no fault. If you're filing under extreme cruelty you will need specific incidents including dates. For example, on January 1, 2005 my spouse hid my lucky underpants so that I would have a bad year. If you want to use adultery you need names, dates and places. The alduteree also has to be served with a Notice to Correspondent. This does not mean that you spouse has to cheat on you with a television reporter, the adulteree is the correspondent regardless of their profession. Separation is 18 months in New Jersey, please give your lawyer a separation date that is at least 18 months past. If you have the old "spouse in the basement" case you can still file for separation if you have not slept in the same room. Lesser seen grounds are desertion for 12 months, deviant sexual conduct, addiction/alcoholism, being in the funny farm for 2 years and being in the hoosegow for 18 months. Your lawyer will guide you as to the best ground(s) to use in your case.

A summons is filed with the complaint. It tells the defendant, (your spouse who is now the defendant because what they have done to you is criminal), that oyeh, oyeh you are being sued for divorce. In New Jersey, an affidavit of insurance which outlines every single insurance you and/or your spouse has is also filed. This includes, medical, car, life, house, etc. DO NOT mess with any insurance, it is illegal in NJ to drop your spouse from any insurance within 90 days of filing for divorce and thereafter. It may make you happy now to know that your spouse will receive huge doctor bills after you dump them off your insurance but it won't when the judge makes you pay those bills and reinstate the insurance at your cost. A confidential litigant information statement is also filed which gives all your basic info.

Once all this is prepared the defendant must be served. Although there are several way to serve the defendant, I prefer service by sheriff. This is personal service and the sheriff provides an affidavit of service to the court. Plus, isn't it fun to imagine the neighbor's reaction when the sheriff knocks on your spouse's door? It usually costs between $20-$30 dollars. I have on occasion personally served the defendant myself but I can't say I like it, a little awkward. In certain cases you can serve the defendant by mail. If you don't know where your spouse is living, there are substitute ways to effect service which your attorney will explain to you.

If you have children or have not worked for quite a while, you will probably also file a pendente lite motion, a motion pending the litigation of the divorce. In this motion you can ask for custody or visitation, child support and alimony. Depending on your situation, there are other things you can ask for, such as selling assets to fund your divorce or prohibiting your spouse to sell any assets, but these are case by case. Again, rely on your lawyer for this, that's why you're paying them your life savings.

Be prepared for your spouse's response, both in their documents and in court. Although you weren't aware of it, you are a crack head whore. Divorce is like death, right before you are divorced, your life will flash before you but this time it is at the courtesy of your spouse. The fact that you farted during the wedding ceremony will be brought to the court's attention if it will help the case. I suggest that mud-slinging be kept to a minimum unless it really will impact your case, most of my clients disagree with me. Again, use your best friend for this purpose, not your divorce case.

Your spouse has beat you to the court house and you have been served already. You will have to file an answer and/or a counterclaim or an appearance. This will cost you $135 unless you have kids and then it's $160. Your lawyer will also tell you the best route to take here. You will have 35 days from when you were served so don't drag your heels or you may find yourself divorced without any participation on your part. Your spouse does not need your cooperation to get a divorce.

Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a docket number. Next lesson, the discovery period.

Divorce 101

Many people just do not understand the divorce process and laws. Here's Part I of the crash course in divorce.
Some considerations before you proceed with obtaining a divorce. First make really really sure you want a divorce. A divorce is costly both financially and emotionally. It makes no sense to spend thousands of dollars hoping your spouse will change because the threat of divorce is hanging over their head. I will be happy to take your money but it's an expensive way to make a point. I have made very good money over the years filing multiple divorce actions for people who aren't sure a divorce is what they want. Most of the time waiting a bit won't change anything about your case and may save you lots of grief.
Second, if you decide it's really what you want, see if you and your spouse can come to a settlement. You'll save lots of time and aggravation if you settle your case before you even approach a lawyer or a Court. If you and your spouse need a referee but think you could settle your case, consider hiring an arbitrator, it's a less expensive route but you still have legal guidance.
Third, you either have no issues or you've settled your case. Think very carefully before you go to one of the many advertised "divorce stores" or proceed pro se (representing yourself). Even if your case is settled, there are rules and procedures that have to be followed. It can be very complicated. I get many cases where people have started on their own and mess it up so bad they come to me. Basically, I'm just putting the divorce through. It's usually pretty cheap because you've done most of the work. Also, the divorce stores really just give you the documents and guidelines, they are not permitted to provide you with any legal advice. Many of my clients spend good money for the packet and then are unable to put the divorce through because they don't have any idea how to. Call around and get prices from lawyers as to the cost of simply putting your divorce through. Many will give you a flat fee.
Fourth, make sure you have the money for a divorce. The filing fees alone are usually a couple hundred dollars. If your divorce is hostile and involves lots of disputed issues you're looking at spending thousands and even possibly tens of thousands.
OK, you aren't going to be able to cheap out with a quickie divorce. You need a lawyer. Make sure you hire a family/matrimonial lawyer. Most lawyers are specialists anymore. If you hire the real estate lawyer your brother-in-law recommends the only good part of your divorce will be when you close on the home you have lost to your spouse. Referrals from friends and family who have had family law issues are the best source for getting a good lawyer. Call around to check prices and also to get a feel for potential lawyers. If you don't like or trust your lawyer, your divorce is going to be nightmare for both of you. Do not hire a friend or family member unless you are prepared to hate them for the rest of your life.
Last in today's lesson, be prepared to tell everything to your lawyer from when you bonked your spouse with the dog leash to the amount of money you're making under the table. As a lawyer it is quite an unpleasant surprise to discover in Court that your client is a bigamist/made $100,00 under the table last year/was arrested for drug dealing last week. Your lawyer can't do their job if they don't have all the information.
Stayed tuned for our next lesson: kicking off the divorce.