Great Expectations
Time off from the crash course on divorce to take a field trip to expectation land. What to expect when you're expecting a divorce.
Many people have bizarre and unreasonable expectations of their lawyer. Forget what you've seen on TV. A good family lawyer knows the law, has good organizational skills and has good writing skills. In general, they are boring and businesslike. Family law is not dramatic, your lawyer is not going to pull a surprise witness out of the audience and yell "AHA!" There are no juries in family law and a melodramatic lawyer is more likely to tick off the judge than help your case. You will obtain a far better divorce from a dull nerdy lawyer who presents the facts and the law coherently to the judge than you will with the lawyer who puts on a show for the judge that has no legal meat to it. On many many occasions I have argued motions in which I say hardly anything. My clients accuse me of being too passive or not bringing up this or that until the judge's order comes back in their favor. Understand that it is the substance of your case that will get you the results you want, not your lawyer's theatrical abilities.
Your lawyer is not your therapist. I am one of the few lawyers around that will listen sympathetically and at length to your horror stories, but I have an extensive professional background in that area. Even so, I will direct you back to the business at hand. I do feel that people need to get out some of these feelings but keep in mind that your lawyer will not be able to provide you with therapy and will be charging you far more by the hour than a therapist would to listen to your stories. Do not expect your lawyer, or the judge, to be outraged by your matrimonial horrors. For every story you can tell me, I can tell you 10 worse. We've heard it all and are pretty hard to shock.
Your lawyer has no police powers nor any magical powers. If your spouse denies you visitation I can not magically make them hand the kids over, nor can I make the police do it. I can not storm the bank to demand your half of the tax refund check which your spouse has deposited into their own account. There are legal ways to handle these problems but they take time and paperwork. Again, boring drudge work. Do not expect your lawyer to immediately fix every problem or crisis that occurs.
Know from the start that your divorce is going to take time and money. The length of time and the amount of money your divorce will cost are in direct proportion to the level of hostilities. The more hostile the divorce the longer and more expensive it's going to be. If you and your spouse are going to be fighting over custody and visitation expect to spend thousands on an expert. House and pension appraisals are hundreds of dollars. Don't get me wrong, sometimes this is all a necessary evil, just be prepared for it. Don't tell me after refusing to settle a custody issue that you have no money for an expert because if you don't, stick a fork in you, you're done. Also, divorces take time, a contested divorce will usually take from 6 months to a year. Despite your impatience, there is absolutely no way for your lawyer to speed this up. Expect and be prepared to weigh the financial and emotional costs of fighting. Is it really worth spending $500 in lawyer fees so that you get the crock pot? Is it worth all the emotional anguish to insure that your spouse will bring the kids back at 7:30 and not 8:00? Believe me, the supposed principles that you are clinging to so feverishly are going to look pretty silly a year later.
Expect to lose all privacy. Due to the nature of divorce the disclosure between the parties is extensive and often private. Unless there is a really good reason to withhold the information, your spouse is entitled to know most, if not all, of your financial and personal information. I routinely get people who don't want to cough up information because "it's none of their business." I have news for you, it is their business and if you don't hand it over voluntarily, the judge will make you hand it over. Furthermore, if you hide information and it is discovered later, you are in for a very good spanking from the court not to mention your credibility is now shot.
Expect the court to make decisions based on the facts and the law, period. You will not get a sympathy judgment. Your idea of fair is probably not even close to what the law actually is. The judge will not punish your spouse for being a jerk. The judge can not make your spouse be a good person or parent. The judge can order your spouse to stop telling the kids about the divorce but if your spouse ignores this there is no magical way to enforce the order without a motion and even then, it may be impossible to stop. If your spouse refuses to comply with an order it is not your lawyer's nor the judge's fault. When the judge divides the stocks that you and your spouse have purchased and you each get half, don't be surprised that just because you were the one who picked the stocks doesn't mean that you get them all. Don't expect the judge to scold your spouse for all the mean things they did to you during the marriage, ain't gonna happen. The judge's role is to listen to your case, examine the documents and make decisions based on the facts of your case, statutes, rules of court and case law. The law is not fair, it's the law.
As a lawyer I have some expectations for you. I expect you to be honest and open with me. I need all the available information to do my job. I expect you to listen to my advice, if your friend Manny the bartender has better advice, hire him. I don't always expect you to agree or even follow my advice, but at least weigh it seriously and discuss it with me. Do not compare your case to other people's divorces. I get tired of explaining that you get $50 a week support because you have 1 child and your spouse is a Walmart greeter and your friend gets $1000 a week because they have 5 kids and their spouse is a brain surgeon. Every case is different.
Have realistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations will only make an already difficult situation even worse. If you need a crazy, dramatic divorce fix, rent the War of the Roses.
Many people have bizarre and unreasonable expectations of their lawyer. Forget what you've seen on TV. A good family lawyer knows the law, has good organizational skills and has good writing skills. In general, they are boring and businesslike. Family law is not dramatic, your lawyer is not going to pull a surprise witness out of the audience and yell "AHA!" There are no juries in family law and a melodramatic lawyer is more likely to tick off the judge than help your case. You will obtain a far better divorce from a dull nerdy lawyer who presents the facts and the law coherently to the judge than you will with the lawyer who puts on a show for the judge that has no legal meat to it. On many many occasions I have argued motions in which I say hardly anything. My clients accuse me of being too passive or not bringing up this or that until the judge's order comes back in their favor. Understand that it is the substance of your case that will get you the results you want, not your lawyer's theatrical abilities.
Your lawyer is not your therapist. I am one of the few lawyers around that will listen sympathetically and at length to your horror stories, but I have an extensive professional background in that area. Even so, I will direct you back to the business at hand. I do feel that people need to get out some of these feelings but keep in mind that your lawyer will not be able to provide you with therapy and will be charging you far more by the hour than a therapist would to listen to your stories. Do not expect your lawyer, or the judge, to be outraged by your matrimonial horrors. For every story you can tell me, I can tell you 10 worse. We've heard it all and are pretty hard to shock.
Your lawyer has no police powers nor any magical powers. If your spouse denies you visitation I can not magically make them hand the kids over, nor can I make the police do it. I can not storm the bank to demand your half of the tax refund check which your spouse has deposited into their own account. There are legal ways to handle these problems but they take time and paperwork. Again, boring drudge work. Do not expect your lawyer to immediately fix every problem or crisis that occurs.
Know from the start that your divorce is going to take time and money. The length of time and the amount of money your divorce will cost are in direct proportion to the level of hostilities. The more hostile the divorce the longer and more expensive it's going to be. If you and your spouse are going to be fighting over custody and visitation expect to spend thousands on an expert. House and pension appraisals are hundreds of dollars. Don't get me wrong, sometimes this is all a necessary evil, just be prepared for it. Don't tell me after refusing to settle a custody issue that you have no money for an expert because if you don't, stick a fork in you, you're done. Also, divorces take time, a contested divorce will usually take from 6 months to a year. Despite your impatience, there is absolutely no way for your lawyer to speed this up. Expect and be prepared to weigh the financial and emotional costs of fighting. Is it really worth spending $500 in lawyer fees so that you get the crock pot? Is it worth all the emotional anguish to insure that your spouse will bring the kids back at 7:30 and not 8:00? Believe me, the supposed principles that you are clinging to so feverishly are going to look pretty silly a year later.
Expect to lose all privacy. Due to the nature of divorce the disclosure between the parties is extensive and often private. Unless there is a really good reason to withhold the information, your spouse is entitled to know most, if not all, of your financial and personal information. I routinely get people who don't want to cough up information because "it's none of their business." I have news for you, it is their business and if you don't hand it over voluntarily, the judge will make you hand it over. Furthermore, if you hide information and it is discovered later, you are in for a very good spanking from the court not to mention your credibility is now shot.
Expect the court to make decisions based on the facts and the law, period. You will not get a sympathy judgment. Your idea of fair is probably not even close to what the law actually is. The judge will not punish your spouse for being a jerk. The judge can not make your spouse be a good person or parent. The judge can order your spouse to stop telling the kids about the divorce but if your spouse ignores this there is no magical way to enforce the order without a motion and even then, it may be impossible to stop. If your spouse refuses to comply with an order it is not your lawyer's nor the judge's fault. When the judge divides the stocks that you and your spouse have purchased and you each get half, don't be surprised that just because you were the one who picked the stocks doesn't mean that you get them all. Don't expect the judge to scold your spouse for all the mean things they did to you during the marriage, ain't gonna happen. The judge's role is to listen to your case, examine the documents and make decisions based on the facts of your case, statutes, rules of court and case law. The law is not fair, it's the law.
As a lawyer I have some expectations for you. I expect you to be honest and open with me. I need all the available information to do my job. I expect you to listen to my advice, if your friend Manny the bartender has better advice, hire him. I don't always expect you to agree or even follow my advice, but at least weigh it seriously and discuss it with me. Do not compare your case to other people's divorces. I get tired of explaining that you get $50 a week support because you have 1 child and your spouse is a Walmart greeter and your friend gets $1000 a week because they have 5 kids and their spouse is a brain surgeon. Every case is different.
Have realistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations will only make an already difficult situation even worse. If you need a crazy, dramatic divorce fix, rent the War of the Roses.
posted by The Legal Diva | 5:38 PM
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