The Father's Sins

Today I represented one of the defendant parents in a DYFS case. DYFS is New Jersey's version of child protective services. And not a very good version, they need to upgrade to DYFS 2.0. The parties have 2 young children and went through an incredibly acrimonious divorce about 2 years ago. As hostile as they are, they agreed upon joint physical custody. The ink wasn't dried on the judgment when they each began their own campaign to discredit the other and gain control of the kids. Both have problems, one is an alcoholic and the other has mental health issues. Neither believes that they have a problem and point to the other. Thus we end up with DYFS.
Seems the alcoholic took the kids to dinner and, low and behold, if the restaurant didn't put alcohol in his drink by mistake. On finding out that the alcoholic was drinking with the kids, the nut went off. Police were involved, ultimately DYFS jumped in. Now we have a small bureaucracy for this case consisting of a judge, 4 lawyers and 5 therapists.
Separately, neither of these parents are bad people. Together they make Ghengis Khan look like Mother Theresa. Both absolutely refuse to see the damage they're doing to their kids or the part they're playing in it. This is a difficult case for me because I don't believe in my client. I do my job but the fervor is absent. People like this should be banned from procreating.

Putting the Fun in Dysfunctional

Today a friend called me to represent him in a domestic violence matter. Seems he and his girlfriend went out last week, got trashed and then got into a knock-down drag-out fight. She got to the cops first. Apparently she showed up at the police station, still rip roaring drunk and covered in puke, to file an assault complaint and get a restraining order. My friend, who is honest to a fault, even to his own detriment, tells me that his role in the fiasco was purely defensive. I believe him.
I have never known my friend to be violent. I have witnessed his girlfriend turn into a Mohammed Ali drunk. They have an extensive history of contention and he had asked her to move out of his house the night before the fight.
Too often I have seen women using restraining orders as a tool for vengeance. As a lawyer, this is on my top 5 list of things that infuriate and disgust me. Every time a woman gets back at her significant other by filing a false domestic violence claim she harms all those women out there who desperately need this protection. She makes a mockery of those women that are beat up and killed on a far too regular basis. Pardon my sexual bias, but realistically and statistically, women make up the majority of domestic violence victims.
Although I don't usually represent friends, I will in this case because I feel strongly about the abuse of restraining orders. The truly sad part of all this is that after all my angst, these 2 will probably make up an hour after the trial.

Bona Fide Office

You can only practice law in New Jersey if you have a bona fide office in the State. Despite the extremely rational reasons that are put forth as to why this rule is necessary, the real reason for the requirement is to screw lawyers from Philadelphia and New York City. Heavens to Betsey! All them big city fellers would come over the bridge and steal all our bizness!
When I first started my practice, this rule scared the bedoodies out of me. You had to have a bona fide office in New Jersey with someone to answer the phone. I was working out of my dining room, using my home line for business and had no support staff. Every day I was in fear of the office police busting in and dragging me off to some dark smoky room where I would be called to account for my blatant flaunting of the rule.
Over the years this rule has cost me a fortune but my expenditures happen to be a good chronology of technological advancements since the early 90's. First I got a pager, no phone call goes unanswered. Then, after a judge wanted me to fax him something pronto, I bought a fax machine pronto. Then I got a cell phone, back then the charges were enormous so I had many professional calls that consisted of "Be in Court tomorrow at 9am, bye.", click. Somewhere along the way my answering machine turned into voice mail, la tee dah. I added call forwarding to give the illusion of always being in my office. Then I added remote call forwarding so I was in my office anywhere on earth. I got dial-up internet for the e-mail. Then I got a lap top so I could always have access to my e-mail. Then I got a PDA so I had even easier access to my e-mail. Then I got broadband internet so my e-mail was even faster. Thousands of dollars to create the illusion that I was always in my office.
Now lots of people have home offices and it's hard to get a live person even in big law offices. The rule remains the same but technology has changed how we practice law and what is acceptable. I no longer fear being busted. I kind of miss living on the edge. Today I hung out a sign by my driveway. Take that, zoning officer.

Office Technology

As a one woman show, I rely heavily on office technology. I can not operate without it. The tech companies know this. All my equipment knows this. However, they are insecure and frequently need to remind me of this in not so subtle ways.
I upgraded my word processing and template software. With the new advances I can complete 1 document before the program crashes. And it's not just a crash, nooooo, it's a spectacular crash because it spends 10 minutes going through a recovery program that you can't ignore, short of unplugging the computer, and has not yet recovered anything. I upgraded my all-in-one printer. Now I can print a couple of documents or receive a couple of faxes before it refuses to do anything else because it is out of memory. A printer with alzheimers is just what I needed. I got a remote infrared mouse with its own charger. I change the batteries every other week as the charger's main function appears to be paperweight work and not charging. I have a specific business e-mail account so I only have to wade through 100 spam e-mails a day instead of the 500 that go to my personal account. I still don't know what a MILF is or if it needs a divorce. My cell phone is the star in its own episode of the Outer Limits and routinely takes control of itself and cuts off my calls. Then there's tech support. The word processor support was kind enough to e-mail a boiler plate answer that had nothing to do whatsoever with the problem. The tech support for my printer barely spoke English and I'm not sure they were in a country that actually has printers. When my internet went down, all the solutions offered to me by tech support were only available on the internet.
Last week I bought a new legal pad. At least it's still working.

"Putting the Screws" as a Negotiating Technique

Early this morning I delivered a property settlement agreement to my adversary. Both parties had signed and dated, both attorneys had notarized. The parties were closing on the sale of their home this afternoon and the settlement agreement addressed all the financial issues between them, including the disbursement of the equity from the home. The deal was done after many excruciating hours of negotiation. HA!
I had barely left the other attorney before the phone started ringing. Let's sum up the renegotiation of the iron clad settlement agreement by phone call in order: Closing costs are higher than we thought, will your guy split the difference? My guy: No. Closing costs are a little lower than the last phone call in which they were higher, let's use the excess escrow. My guy: OK. Oops, they owe escrow, closing costs back up even higher than before, back to half. My guy: No. Buyer is paying sewage bill, closing costs back down, still half. My guy: can't reach. Other attorney: can't reach, leave message: for 70 bucks let them duke it out at closing. My guy finally returns calls. Now my brilliant strategy is introduced: other side desperately wants the money from the house sale today. At closing demand that all profits from the house be put into escrow until a decision is made as to how to handle the $140.00 not covered.
Neither attorney is going to the closing. My client is on his own. Turns out putting the screws to your ex works like a charm. My client's ex ate the excess costs. And they say that attorney's don't earn their reputations as weasels.

The Cat's New Bed

My cat has a new bed. The top box in one stack of dead files. When I decided 10 years ago to work from home this was not an issue I anticipated. I decided to dead file because a friend has promised to replace the floor in my office sometime this century. Weaning out the files will make moving my filing cabinet a bit easier should the re-flooring ever occur. The dead files resulted in 10 large boxes which are now happily residing in my dining room with the cat on top. I could go with the college solution, making smaller piles, covering them with charming table cloths and placing them strategically around the house as coffee tables. I could be environmentally conscious, putting them in one of the sheds out back, giving the mice cozy homes and yummy food. I could be fiscally responsible, renting a storage unit and then charging my clients every time I have to go and yank a file. I could do the smart thing, buy a mouse proof storage shed, put it out back and be known in the neighborhood as the crazy shed lady. The only thing I am certain of at this point is that 10 minutes after I move all the files, a client dead filed in the hardest box to get to will call needing my services.

I'm My Own Grampa

I am pleased to announce that inbreeding in America is alive and well. I am working on a divorce in which the happy couple are fairly closely related. I'm betting my client's cell phone ring is the theme from Deliverance. Procreation did occur. I have not met the children so I cannot verify whether uncrossed eyes and teeth came with their birth. So as not to dilute the gene pool, my client is now dating another close relative. So determined are they to keep it all in the family, my client had to go thousands of miles away to hook up with the new paramour. Perhaps they are some American royalty that I haven't heard about. I just hope I get paid with money and not livestock.

Weekend Warrior

My clients are clearly the hardest working individuals in America. They don't even know that there was a 3 day weekend. I'm so proud of them. Friday afternoon at 3pm I had at least 4 calls from one parent wanting me to straighten out visitation problems that arose on Wednesday. I guess she was working so hard she forgot all about it until Friday. By today the grand tally for calls and e-mails is 12 concerning that issue. Another parent decided I needed to straighten out visitation scheduled for Saturday on Friday afternoon. As she's currently unemployed, I can only assume that she was diligently seeking a job and the visitation clearly skipped her mind. On Saturday, I received a 17 page fax of a property settlement agreement. On Sunday night, the client needed to know if it was ready to be signed.
YooHoo my dearest clients, Happy Columbus Day, the judges are all on the golf course. With me.

HiHo HiHo It's Into Debt We Go

I actually got dressed today because I had client appointments. Even in today's enlightened world, people just don't like to see their lawyers in pajamas. My clients believe that I sleep in a business suit. Sometimes I do after 8 beers.
Today's fare was living the American Middle Class dream. Own a home, own 2 cars, own 10 credit cards. Now that you're getting divorced all the partnership aspects of marriage are down the toilet. Funny how "ours" becomes "mine" at light speed once a couple divorces. Except for the debt, that's yours.
When I see that a couple has run up tens of thousands in credit card bills, I love to ask what they have to show for it. It doesn't help the case any, I'm just a bitch. 90% of the purchases were crap. Now you each get to pay for half the crap. After you pay me of course. Cash.

Introductions & Introspections

I am an attorney with a solo practice. I have a home office. My support staff consists of security: the dog, pest control: the cat, and receptionist: the bird. I primarily practice family law. That's who I am.
Today I had a hearing for an emergent case. The judge had me appear by phone as I had 10 minutes notice of the hearing. There were 4 lawyers involved in the case. I am assuming that I was the only one in my pajamas for the hearing. I am also assuming I was the only one drinking coffee, smoking and checking my e-mail during the hearing. My role in the hearing consisted of saying "Yes, Your Honor" about 10 times. My client called later thrilled with the results of the hearing.
I am a brilliant lawyer.